Immortals

Saw Immortals, a turgid Tarsem Singh film loosely based on Greek mythology in the style of Jason and the Argonauts and Clash of the Titans. It came out in the historical epic boom of the 2000s, when it seemed no one could get enough of sun, sandals, straps, and pectorals. It was a jolly for time for gay guys. This film takes the whole thing much further, reveling in gaudy gold lamé, blood reds, and marble whites. The film is gorgeous and beautiful, full of slow motion, CGI-enhanced fights, bizarre architecture, and nary a shirt to be seen on any male! Appropriately enough, the imdb trivia is mostly about workout routines and waxing procedures.

The film is a total romp and, being a romp, has to be embraced to be enjoyed properly. Unfortunately however I resisted it every step of the way. It was just too full of morbid posturing and growly speeches delivered One.... Word... At... A... Time. I couldn't take it. There's also a running theme of lineages and bloodlines and such which is kind of gross. Various characters in the movie keep saying that to live well is best, but then there's all of this proto-fascist talk of achieving immortality through dying in battle. At one point Theseus rallies the troops to battle, crying "Fight for those who bore you! Fight for your children! Fight for your future! Fight for your name to survive! Fight! For immortality!" Kill yourself to live forever? What is this talk? And anyway, what happened to living well? That evokes peace and comfort to me, not laying righteous waste to your enemies (which you assuredly have, right?)

I don't know if I've just gotten old and grumpy or what, but it was too ridiculous and dumb for me to take. It's a beautiful film with just toe-curlingly embarrassing speeches about honor and immortality and whatnot. Not even the torsos could save this one for me.