Priest

Saw Priest. Now, I see a lot of crap. But rarely do I see such a shining, glorious, beacon of crap as this film. It's set in an alternate universe where humans fight communal, insectoid vampires. On the human side are super-warriors called priests who fight off the vampires with little shurikens and dainty knives and are apparently way more effective than boring old tanks and guns and such. Everyone lives in a big city ruled by an authoritarian theocracy of vaguely Christian clerics. Outside of the city is the wild west where human settlements alternate with vampire "reservations" (which are maybe supposed to evoke Indian reservations??) There's a lot going on. Anyway, the film starts just after the priests and co have won some big war which finally killed off all of the vampires (or did it!?? Or did it really only drive them underground where they are growing in strength and numbers??! Could that, in fact, be??)

The protagonist is an infinitely tortured and badass priest. For absolutely no reason he is shunned by the city-folk, mothers inexplicably shooing their children away from him and city bureaucrats bewilderingly sneering at him. I suspect there is some really obvious allegory about the shabby treatment of real-life veterans going on here, but it makes no sense transplanted into the vampi-verse where apparently the vamp-war happened just a few years ago. It feels either pandering or choir-preachy and anyway completely misguided.

Also, I don't know how seriously we're meant to take the religious thing. The priests will say a little prayer (for the world, presumably) before some battles, but then the authoritarian church is clearly meant to be some vague stab at organized religion which I believe is meant to be taken seriously. It's a weird and hilariously ineffectual bit of dour commentary in a film which also devotes a good chunk of time to priests on motorcycles. Are we meant to actually take any of this seriously? I can't tell if the film is just randomly throwing iconography around or if it actually has some kind of agenda, buried deep under its stupid, stupid surface.

Religion aside, there's something for the ladies too: very icky gender politics! The film contains exactly two girls, not counting extras (they never speak to each other at all. Bechdel test: failed.) One is a helpless lass who is captured by the emerging vampire-army (which is lead by a cowboy wearing fake vampire teeth.) She spends most of her time wailing like Olive Oyl and wearing a grimy dress that hugs her curves (ie her tits.) The only other female is a lady-priest who is a badass and who we know is in some kind of love with the protagonist from the moment she is introduced, gasping at his name. She is also established as a virgin because that's important you see.

There's a lot of action-movie bullshit which is both incredibly stupid and (I'll admit it) hilarious. At one point the hero-priest is charging at some kind of vamp-ogre. His lady-priest-friend throws two stones which, in his Crouching-Tiger-esque martial-arts flight, he uses as stepping stones. That was pretty amazing. There's also a hilarious teaching-monologue about vamp-killing: "Their body-weight pulls them in concentric patterns", "There are always two points. A and B. Know them both, and you'll kill a vampire." Bewildering! Amazing!

So, this movie is pretty much bullshit. I was actually infuriated a few times by its self-aggrandizing nonsense (I was shouting "what the fuck does that mean!?" during the "two points" speech.) It would be tremendous fun to make fun of. There's just so much to be confused by: the weird religion angle, the retrograde treatment of women, the incredibly over-stuffed world-building, the macho posturing, and the arbitrary, episodic, video-game-like action. This one is pure, glorious trash.